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I’m here but somehow I have not arrived.

Just like when I was spending my last 3 weeks in San Diego before I left the U.S., I am again in some sort of Limbo. I am getting into the rhythm of living here in Germany but I haven’t really arrived. I’m doing all my registrations and paper work from this beautiful tiny village called Lechbruck am See. When I step out in to the back yard from my room I see rolling hills, then thick forests and behind that the Alps. It’s stunning. It feels dreamy. It is not how I know and remember this country. I had brief feelings of home coming, but mainly I feel as if I have arrived at a new place. I wonder if going to Berlin is going to make it all kick in so I can get it over with and move on with my new life.

All to often I have nothing to keep me busy and I sit in front of facebook or something else computer related. In those cases I feel as if I’m sitting in California again, in my room on the computer. I almost feel like I could break my staring contest with the Monitor and turn around and see one of my cats coming up wanting to get pet. Or if I stay on for too long I feel like Ashley is sitting in the living room waiting for me to get off so we can watch a movie.

But None of that is happening. TV also hasn’t captivated me so far. I need an outlet. I found a local Handball team and that brings back feelings of comfort. Practice is like a warm bath and soft blanket all wrapped in one. I want to concentrate more on music as well, though I’m easily distracted. I feel like I need to spend my time finding work instead of spending my time working on music. Producing with guilt in the back of my head is not a very constructive way to express myself.

Again I am waiting for yet another Limbo-phase to pass so I can move on already.

It is time.

How I feel this second…

I went over this in my mind. what single word would describe what I feel like right now.

“Crushed”

Now keep in mind that this is how I feel right in this moment, and that I’ve bounced back from worse. I always fuckin bounce back. Music helps a lot with that. When I listen to my music in chronological order I can sometimes read it like a journal. Little bits and pieces are sewn into the fabric of the production that point out my mood and my temper…. maybe even my patience.

So I feel crushed. In German I keep repeating the phrase “Kein Bock” “Kein Bock”
Ich hab kein Bock mir diesen Scheiss weiter an zu hoeren oder an zu schauen.

The light at the end of the tunnel.

What is my tunnel? A tunnel littered with bullshit speed bumps, flickering lights, a bad paint job and horrible ventilation. This tunnel is my journey from my present point, whatever that may be, to the light at the end of it. The light is my successful start of a new chapter in life.
It’s so dark in here and the smoke is crawling along the ceiling. Behind me I feel the heat of the dancing tips of flames, casting erratic shadows on to the road ahead. This inevitably pushes me forward. The problem is that the hurdles between me and the end are not static. When I entered this hole, I was able to see the exit. It was far away but in clear sight. Now that I’m closing in on the target like an arrow cutting silently through cold air, predicaments are disturbing my flight path. The emotional fluctuation I’m exposed to makes me numb and leaves room for only one response, which is always on auto-pilot… an empty smile  🙂
I’m down but not out. I will arrive at this light… burnt, beaten, crushed, stepped on, with cuts and with bruises… but I will arrive.

….That felt nice to write…  I’m leaving a lot behind. I’m leaving a lot of things that have been with me for a long time. I’m also leaving a lot of potentially awesome times I will now never have. Every decision changes the path that’s laid out in the future. In some parallel universe, another version of me is going to enjoy the uncertainty that awaits him here in the states. The version of me that “I” represent has leaped head first into the tunnel mentioned above.