How I feel this second…
I went over this in my mind. what single word would describe what I feel like right now.
Now keep in mind that this is how I feel right in this moment, and that I’ve bounced back from worse. I always fuckin bounce back. Music helps a lot with that. When I listen to my music in chronological order I can sometimes read it like a journal. Little bits and pieces are sewn into the fabric of the production that point out my mood and my temper…. maybe even my patience.
So I feel crushed. In German I keep repeating the phrase “Kein Bock” “Kein Bock”
Ich hab kein Bock mir diesen Scheiss weiter an zu hoeren oder an zu schauen.
The light at the end of the tunnel.
What is my tunnel? A tunnel littered with bullshit speed bumps, flickering lights, a bad paint job and horrible ventilation. This tunnel is my journey from my present point, whatever that may be, to the light at the end of it. The light is my successful start of a new chapter in life.
It’s so dark in here and the smoke is crawling along the ceiling. Behind me I feel the heat of the dancing tips of flames, casting erratic shadows on to the road ahead. This inevitably pushes me forward. The problem is that the hurdles between me and the end are not static. When I entered this hole, I was able to see the exit. It was far away but in clear sight. Now that I’m closing in on the target like an arrow cutting silently through cold air, predicaments are disturbing my flight path. The emotional fluctuation I’m exposed to makes me numb and leaves room for only one response, which is always on auto-pilot… an empty smile 🙂
I’m down but not out. I will arrive at this light… burnt, beaten, crushed, stepped on, with cuts and with bruises… but I will arrive.
….That felt nice to write… I’m leaving a lot behind. I’m leaving a lot of things that have been with me for a long time. I’m also leaving a lot of potentially awesome times I will now never have. Every decision changes the path that’s laid out in the future. In some parallel universe, another version of me is going to enjoy the uncertainty that awaits him here in the states. The version of me that “I” represent has leaped head first into the tunnel mentioned above.